Greetings, dragon lords. I have a revolutionary idea to make the game more enjoyable for midlevel players. In the past, various keen minds have attempted to do this by proposing ideas like better scaling, better chest drops, better prize tiers, better earnable rewards, the possibility of earning your way to the endgame before the heat death of the universe, and so forth. But it’s possible to disagree about the necessity of these changes, especially if you’re a troll! Instead, let’s change something we can all agree would improve the game. I’m sure this is at the top of everyone else’s list of obvious and necessary changes, so I probably don’t even need to say it, but just in case: it’s time to add Batman music.
The problem I’m trying to solve is that midlevels consistently get hit in Atlas or the main game by players 2, 3, or even 4 tiers above them for 100% glory. Sometimes more than that, for very bad glory—after all, just because there’s no in-game incentive to do it, doesn’t mean that people won’t! Maybe they’re bad at math, maybe they’re spiteful, maybe they pick their targets by spinning around until they’re dizzy and then slapping the screen, maybe they find our preoccupation with glory to be a form of hubris! YOU DON’T KNOW. What we do know is that when they do this, we don’t hear any rousing music that highlights the clownishness of the situation and simultaneously lets us know that everything’s going to be okay. Let’s solve some real problems.
Let us look to history to light the way to the future. Only scholars of cinema and historians of bat culture know about this today, but from 1966-1968, there was a television show demonstrating the finest action choreography the world has ever seen. A sampling:
(You really should watch this. There are some cool scenes where Batman defeats the Joker by taking a Claritin, as well as his epic struggle against a villain who only steals hats.)
So, my thinking is that if you get hit by someone 2+ tiers above you, you should hear a cool line appropriately conveying the gravity of the situation, e.g.:
“Get them boys! Get them, or it’s curtains!”
“Your days of crime are over!”
“All right boys, ready our umbrellas!”
And then this jaunty little tune should play, to help remind you that the role you play in this ecosystem is that of Stocky Goon #4. That is to say, your function is to be an insignificant casualty who the protagonists effortlessly destroy as a show of their power or bat-ingenuity, and taking anything seriously beyond that is kind of dumb. Here’s a mockup using footage from a 450 hitting the level 184 version of my base:
Sanguis, old chum! Where did you go?!
Didn’t quite go as planned, but hopefully it gets the point across. If you start to do unexpectedly well, as defender, you can then be rewarded by little comic bubbles with punch-oriented onomatopoeia in them: “KaPOW!,” “Biff!”, “Zowie!”, etc.
I’m not a professor of music and psychology, but I’m pretty sure it’s impossible to get mad at a game while these dope beats are bustin’ out.