Discuss the new Lotusbloom story: Dawn -- A War Dragons Story
I feel the story’s incomplete. Nice storyline but maybe lacking more Material.
I feel it’s missing a character who is a travelling salesman called Graham.
So many of these stories entranced me! They have been so fun to read.
This… this misses the mark. Sorry guys… sorry Lachrymae… The writing is lackluster and it feels incohesive.
“Not on your own: you have me! And Naja will stand with us yet. Have faith!” As her ringing voice began to fade into the soft silence of the jungle, Maya and Nucifera swept up on petal-wings through the canopy. A minute later, Suresh and Asura followed them.
This passage has so much potential, and is beautifully crafted, but it is just
The tenses are wrong… the punctuation is wrong… I can feel the thesaurus’ presence in the story.
This paper would not get an A from me :-/
This season’s setting and themes are really cool to me but I found this story harder to write for some reason, and that seems to have shone through unfortunately. Thanks for the feedback y’all.
Ok… I had way too much coffee today and not much to do at work. I took a shot at it
THUMP… THUMP… THUMP…
Asura padded through the jungle. The moon shone fiercely, but beneath the thick, lush cover of the treetops, only a trickle of light made it to the mossy floor. When the beast would stop to lift its nose to the warm breeze, the chitter and cries of the forest suddenly halted. It felt as if the humid air stood still and every creature held its breath; his silence echoed through the trees as the moonlight danced between the dense leaves and branches.
Asura paused, mid-step. Curiously, he peered up, his talons drawn. The hum of the jungle grew bright as the canopy parted. With soft, slow steps, a second dragon settled into the small clearing; she was entranced by the striking stripes that danced on Asura’s stiff stature in the soft moonlight.
Never taking her eyes off of Asura, she gracefully spread her feathered wings wide. This act was often seen as threatening amongst dragons, but Asura felt welcomed. With the elegance and beauty of a peacock, she ever so slightly lowered herself into a bow. From the corner of his eye, Asura caught glimpse of a soft gleam flickering between her feathers; a gold cladded elf bounced from the back of the captivating creature before him.
“Thank you, Nucifera,” she said with a hand on the neck of her companion. She then turned to Asura with a smile- “Hunting well, I pray?” Asura felt warmth in the elven woman’s words. “I am looking for your rider… Where is that scoundrel?” she said with a grin.
From the east she could hear the clamoring of misplaced steps amongst the snapping and crackling of broken fronds and vines. Ever so bemused, she put a hand on her hip as she gazed off passed the rumblings of the forest floor, her eyes narrowed ever so slightly as a bustling figure emerged from the brush and brambles. “Suresh… Is… HERE!” he spat, sweaty and obviously winded. He leaned heavily on his garish spear in an effort to catch his breath.
“You’ve flown all this way, Maya, to catch me at a most inopportune time! How brilliant!” His melodramatic eye roll was followed with a smile, “And they say I am the cunning strategist…”
“I suppose I never thought much about what you two must do during your midnight hunts, but I definitely didn’t imagine you chasing Asura on foot. That must be difficult…” Suresh opened his mouth, ready to quip, but Maya paid him no mind. “Vasant needs you and Asura. Danav is running rampant, a blaze of destruction, and soon he will reach the city.”
“Danav? Attacking during Lotusbloom? It can’t be… The destroyer isn’t due for years!” Suresh took a step, hand on his head, thumb tight against his temple, as he struggled to grasp the situation laid before him.
“Danav does as he wills,“ Maya gently intoned as she effortlessly scaled Nucifera’s back, “We were able to predict his coming in his two previous attacks, the two times we witnessed the annihilation. We were fortunate then, but Danav is not always so predictable.”
Suresh stood rigid at the edge of the clearing. “I suppose you, as a faithful follower of the great and powerful Naja, predict that our protector will finally appear in time to stop Danav once and for all?” He gestured dramatically as he raised his eyes to meet Maya’s, but the tone of his voice was resigned.
“That is what I pray for, and dance for, indeed. Besides, it is our only hope. We will all give our best,” she patted Nucifera affectionately, “but it is the way of the world that Naja the Protector must save us from Danav the Destroyer.”
Suresh shrugged and somberly made his way to Asura, spear in hand, shaking his head as he accepted his fate. “We’re more than a century old and yet it is our elders who last saw Naja. I’m starting to grow tired of defending our doomed city on my own.”
“Not on your own! We will fight together! Naja will stand with us yet!” The bounce in Maya’s voice had returned. Nucifera swept them upwards on her petal-like wings, through the canopy and into the night’s sky. “Have faith, Suresh!” Though he had doubts, they seemed lighter as the hope in Maya’s voice rang through evening air, eventually fading into the soft silence of the jungle. Suresh patted Asura reassuringly and they took off into the night, following the Nucifera’s moonlit silhouette.
The light of dawn crept along the colorful houses and soaring towers of Vasant like a brilliant tide. Atop the walls of the city, the gleaming blades of spears sprouted from groups of nervous, shuffling soldiers. Nucifera rested serenely, undisturbed by the anxious energy Asura exuded. Amongst the few wispy clouds, dragons spiraled above them, waiting. The road leading north of the city was choked with people and carts. Off in the distance to the south, across the emerald expanse of the jungle, rose the billowing haze of smoke and embers that resembled thunderclouds.
Suresh felt a lump in his throat, but as a stark figure emerged from the tenebrous fog, his adrenaline soared. Danav approached. The eyes of the city’s defenders strained to peer to the south and catch a first glimpse of the infamous terror. The restless city was still.
Suresh gripped his spear tightly, trying to force out the memories of his last encounter with Danav and fill the space with strategy. Holding heavy hearts filled with dread, the city faced the south, anticipating the first blow. Maya could feel the tension rolling over the city in waves, but she kept her faith. Suddenly, Nucifera called out to the east. Maya’s heart swelled and Suresh let out a sigh of relief. By the light of dawn, Naja had returned.