I agree with your post, as I have been on both sides of the situation.
One, I knew I was going to be out of service range for a good time or I would have very limited access. I sent a mail to the leader with just a blurb telling them I would be gone for a while. I was surprised I was still on the team when I returned, luckily we didn’t get warred on that week.
Two, I have been on a team when several people not only not showed up for a war when we got declared ON (we didn’t start it) but then turned their notifications off so we couldn’t ask them to come do their war run. They didn’t show up for days. We knew about where they lived, there was no natural disaster in the news for that area. Then they try to come back and act like nothing ever happened. I’m sorry, but it upsets people when you don’t give someone the courtesy of letting them know ‘Hey, I have to be gone for a while.’
Three, I get it that life is messy and sometimes you feel like there is not enough minutes in the day to do everything that needs to be done. I’ve been there. I was an absolute wreck when my mom died. I had to try to not only help with the memorial but also keep dad together, and my son (9 at the time) who was devastated. However, I took the time to send out a mail to my gaming group at the time and say something along the lines of “Sorry, my mom just died. I’ll be gone for an unknown amount of time.” I didn’t even read any of the responses for like 2 weeks. To me this was common courtesy so they didn’t try to plan something around me when I couldn’t be there.
This is all human nature. We can’t get away from it and it is only amplified in our games, not just WD. I don’t think there is anything that we can do to mitigate any of this “toxic” behavior in a game designed to get people to attack and war with each other. It is designed to increase tensions and emotions and give that high when we win and low when we lose. All we can do is find a group that is understand and not toxic for us as individuals and ignore as best we can the others.